who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
