I CAN MOONWALK!
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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