My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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