A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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