Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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