if only i could text you this smell
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
