am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
