The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
