genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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