so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
