I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
