the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
