I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i've created a new STD.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
