Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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