I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
