I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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