What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so let's talk penis.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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