No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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