I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
