laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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