Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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