the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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