When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
