There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
