I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
