nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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