I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
