oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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