I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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