Me. At least after what I've been through.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
