Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
