Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
