Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
