Kiss
Puke
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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