I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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