Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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