I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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