woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
