As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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