You smell like stripper and shame
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
