i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
