Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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