I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
