I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Sorry about my life...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
