i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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