hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
