He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
