so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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