so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
