Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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