So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
