she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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