I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
