I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
